The Alligator Dash

A very rich man who owns a huge house has a drop-dead gorgeous daughter. He's also interested in alligators and has a sumptuous swimming pool filled with different exotic specimens of the species. One day he decides to throw a party and invites hundreds of people. After everyone has had a few drinks, he announces that anyone who can jump into the pool and make it to the other side alive can have either £1 million or his daughter. No one is willing to try this, until suddenly there's a splash, and he turns to see a bloke in the pool, swimming as fast as he can to the other side. Everyone cheers him on, as the alligators try to tear him apart. Amazingly, he makes it to the other side, somewhat ruffled, but completely unharmed. The rich man says, ‘I say, that was amazing! So what's it to be: the million or my daughter's hand?’ The hero replies, ‘Look mate I don't want your money or your daughter. I just want the bastard who pushed me in!’

Nervous Bride

The Minister noticed the bride was in distress so he asked what was wrong. She replied that she was awfully nervous and afraid that she would not remember what to do. The Minister told her that she only needed to remember 3 things.

First the aisle, because that is what you'll be walking down.
Secondly, the altar because that is where you will arrive.
Finally, remember the hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service.

While the bride was walking in step with the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these 3 words

...Aisle, altar, hymn (I'll alter him)

Galing sa Libing

Pedro: Saan ka galing, p're?

Berto: Sementeryo, libing ng byenan ko.

Pedro: Bakit puro kalmot ang mukha at braso mo?

Berto: Mahirap ilibing eh, lumalaban!