Text n' Stories Gallery

Hindi Marinig

2007-09-05T21:23:00.000-07:00

Nangumpisal si Kulas sa mga kasalanang nagawa niya:

Father: anak, ndi ka papatawarin.

Kulas: ha! bakit Father?

Father: kase may kasalanan ka pa na hindi mo binabanggit

Kulas: ano po yun Father?

Father: ikaw ba kumuha ng perang donasyon sa altar?

Kulas: ano po yun Father?

Father: ikaw ba kumuha ng perang donasyon sa altar?!

Kulas: di ko po talaga marinig Father, gusto mo palit tayo ng pwesto?

(nagpalit sila ng pwesto)

Father: sige magtanong ka

Kulas: ikaw ba nakabuntis kay Anna na labandera?!

Father: ay totoo nga ndi nga marinig dito!

malambot ang dila

2007-08-13T23:49:00.000-07:00

lalake: "mes powede makepagkelala? anong pangalan mo?"

girl: "loreena"

lalake: "mes, malambot kase dela ko, can i call you lorena?"

girl: "Pwidi"

Bisaya Killer

2007-08-13T22:12:00.000-07:00

May isang mama na namamaril ng bisaya. Galit na galit sya sa mga bisaya.

Nabalitaan ito nina Inday, Maritess, at Teresa. Kinabahan sila.Nagtago sila sa kanya-kanyang taguan.

Nakita ng killer si Inday.

Killer: Bisaya ka ba ???!!!

Inday: Hende poh.

BANG!

Nagpraktis sina Maritess at Teresa: Hindi po! Hindi po!

Nakita ng killer si Teresa.

Killer: Bisaya ka ba ???!!!

Teresa: Hindi po!

Killer: Ano ang pangalan mo???!!!

Teresa: Tirisa po.

BANG!

Nagpraktis muli si Maritess: Hindi po! Maritess po.

Nakita ng killer si Maritess.

Killer: Bisaya ka ba ???!!!

Maritess: Hindi po!

Killer: Ano ang pangalan mo???!!!

Maritess: Maritess po.

Umalis ang killer. Sa tuwa ni Maritess, sumigaw sya, YIS!

BANG!

If i'd die early

2007-07-13T03:47:00.000-07:00

If I'd die early, I would ask God if I could be your guardian angel, so I could wrap my wings around you and embraces you whenever you feel alone...

If you are asking...

2007-07-13T03:40:00.000-07:00

IF you are asking if i would hurt you,
the answer is NEVER

IF you are asking if i love you,
the answer is FOREVER

IF you are asking if i want you,
the answer is I DO

IF you are asking what i value most,
the answer is YOU

Clemency

2007-07-12T00:02:00.000-07:00

"CLEMENCY"

Want to know about clemency?

What is CLEMENCY?

CLEMENCY is

actually...

... the maasim that
you put on the pensit...

thanks to: Len (GF ni Jhay)natawa ako dito promise! :P

Tabingi

2007-07-02T04:28:00.000-07:00

Namatay ang asawang lalaki ng isang babae...

Nang dumating na ang oras upang ihatid sa huling hantungan ang bangkay,

Lalaki: Pare ibaba nyo na ang ang kabaong...
Asawang Babae: Tabingi!!! Huhuhu
Lalaki: Pare! taas nyo ulit!

(maya maya pa..)
Lalaki: pare ayos na, ibaba nyo na ulit.
Asawang Babae: Tabingi!!! Huhuhu
Lalaki: Pare taas ulit! (kamot sa ulo)

Nagtataka na ang lalaki, kaya't minabuti na nyang magtanong sa Asawang namatayan...
Lalaki: Misis, kanina ko pa napapansin panay ang sabi nyo ng tabingi.
Asawang Babae: Kanina pa din ako nagtataka sa inyo eh. Bakit hindi nyo maibaba ang asawa ko tuwing isisigaw ko ang pangalan nya na Tabingi.
Lalaki: nyahay! akala ko kasi tabingi ang kabaong, yun pala pangalan.

Bad News for New Father

2007-06-29T03:19:00.000-07:00

A man is waiting nervously for news of his new-born baby when a nurse walks in. ‘It’s bad news,’ she says. ‘Your baby is badly deformed.’ Naturally the man tells himself that he will love the baby whatever it looks like. The midwife then leads the man out to the incubators. Passing a baby that is no more than a head, the midwife says ‘Brace yourself, dear – your baby is a lot worse than this.’ Finally they arrive at the incubator and the father stares open-mouthed at his child. For there, sitting on the blanket, is a pair of eyeballs blinking away. ‘I’m sorry,’ offers the midwife. The man, holding back tears, says, ‘It’s my baby and I’ll look after it the best I can.’ He gives the little eyes a tender wave. ‘I wouldn’t bother doing that,’ says the midwife. ‘It’s blind.’

The New Priest

2007-06-29T03:15:00.000-07:00

Father Patrick was talking to his replacement in a small village church. ‘Father Michael,’ he says, ‘you’ll be looking after my flock from now on.’ ‘But where do I start?’ the young priest replies. ‘You’ve been hearing confessions for over 50 years, I’ll be lost.’ ‘Don’t worry,’ says Father Patrick, ‘I’ve written a list of sins and absolutions on the wall in the confessional box. Look up the sin and it will tell you next to it what to say. After a while you’ll get to know the congregation and you’ll be okay.’ One week later, Father Michael is sitting in the confessional box looking at his mentor’s list when his first visitor arrives. ‘Forgive me Father, for I have sinned,’ says a female voice. ‘I had to give my husband a gobble last night.’ The priest searches the wall but can’t find the correct reply anywhere. In desperation he pulls open the curtain of the box and stops a choirboy. ‘Oi! What did the old priest give for a gobble?’ ‘A Kit-Kat,’ the lad replies.

The Hygienic Waiter

2007-06-29T03:06:00.000-07:00

On being seated at a restaurant table, a gentleman becomes somewhat embarrassed when he knocks the spoon off with his elbow. A nearby waiter calmly picks it up and produces another shiny spoon from his pocket, which he places on the table. Suitably impressed, the diner enquires, ‘Do all waiters carry spare spoons on them?’ The waiter replies, ‘Indeed, sir, it is in fact company policy, ever since our efficiency expert determined that 17.8 per cent of our clients knock the spoon off the table. By carrying a spare spoon on our person, we save on trips to the kitchen.’

After the gentleman has finished his meal and paid the bill, he wanders over to the same waiter and says to him, ‘You will, of course, forgive me, but do you know you have a piece of string hanging from your fly?’ ‘Indeed, sir,’ the waiter begins, ‘Our efficiency expert determined that we were spending too much time washing our hands after going to the toilet. Thus, by attaching this piece of string to my penis I avoid touching myself: I go, and then I return to work. It saves a lot of time.’ ‘But how do you put it back in your trousers?’ asks the curious diner. ‘Well sir, I can't speak on behalf of my colleagues, but I just use the spoon.’

The Alligator Dash

2007-06-29T03:02:00.000-07:00

A very rich man who owns a huge house has a drop-dead gorgeous daughter. He's also interested in alligators and has a sumptuous swimming pool filled with different exotic specimens of the species. One day he decides to throw a party and invites hundreds of people. After everyone has had a few drinks, he announces that anyone who can jump into the pool and make it to the other side alive can have either £1 million or his daughter. No one is willing to try this, until suddenly there's a splash, and he turns to see a bloke in the pool, swimming as fast as he can to the other side. Everyone cheers him on, as the alligators try to tear him apart. Amazingly, he makes it to the other side, somewhat ruffled, but completely unharmed. The rich man says, ‘I say, that was amazing! So what's it to be: the million or my daughter's hand?’ The hero replies, ‘Look mate I don't want your money or your daughter. I just want the bastard who pushed me in!’

Clever Lad

2007-06-29T02:53:00.000-07:00

Little 10-year-old Freddie goes for a long weekend with his uncle, a wealthy Hampshire farm owner.

One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining guests with cocktails, they are interrupted by an out-of-breath Freddie who shouts out, ‘Uncle John! Come quick! The bull is fucking the cow!’ Uncle John, highly embarrassed, takes young Freddie aside, and explains that a certain amount of decorum is required. ‘You should have said, “The bull is surprising the cow” – not some filth picked up in the playground,’ he says. A few days later, Freddie comes in again as his aunt and uncle are entertaining. ‘Uncle John! The bull is surprising the cows!’ The adults share a knowing grin. Uncle John says, ‘Thank you, Freddie, but surely you meant to say the cow, not cows. A bull cannot “surprise” more than one cow at a time, you know …’ ‘Yes, he can!’ replies his obstinate nephew. ‘He’s fucking the horse!’

joined technorati

2007-06-28T18:34:00.000-07:00

Technorati Profile

Nervous Bride

2007-06-28T01:18:00.000-07:00

The Minister noticed the bride was in distress so he asked what was wrong. She replied that she was awfully nervous and afraid that she would not remember what to do. The Minister told her that she only needed to remember 3 things.

First the aisle, because that is what you'll be walking down.
Secondly, the altar because that is where you will arrive.
Finally, remember the hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service.

While the bride was walking in step with the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these 3 words

...Aisle, altar, hymn (I'll alter him)

I Made My Husband a Millionaire

2007-06-28T01:14:00.000-07:00

A woman was telling her friend,
"It was I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".

Ang Paghihiganti

2007-06-28T00:22:00.000-07:00

Isang gabi, naglalakad ang isang lalaki sa may tulay nang may makita siyang babae na nasa gilid nito at nagtatangkang magpatiwakal.

"Huwag!" sigaw ng lalaki. At sa kabutihang palad ay nakumbinsi ang babae at siya'y bumaba.

Lalaki: Ano bang problema mo't naisipan mong gawin yan.

Babae: Kasi, iniwan ako ng boypren ko't sumama sa ibang babae.

Lalaki: Miss, ganyan din ang problema ko pero di ko inisip na magpakamatay.

Babae: So, anong gagawin natin?

Nag-isip sandali ang lalaki at sinabi...

Lalaki: Kung gusto mo, maghiganti tayo sa kanila.

Babae: Paanong paghihiganti?

Lalaki: Alam mo na ang ibig kong sabihin... (sabay kindat sa babae na nakuha naman ni babae ang ipinahiwatig na yon).

Maya maya'y nasa isang kuwarto na sila ng motel at nangyari na nga ang di dapat mangyari. Nang makaraos si lalaki, nagsindi siya ng yosi. Nang halos filter na lang ay biglang nagsabi si babae ng "Maghiganti uli tayo".

Medyo pagod, pero pinagbigyan uli niya ang request ni babae.

Nang makaraos uli, nagsindi uli si lalaki ng yosi. Nasa kalahati pa lang ang yosi.

Babae: Maghiganti uli tayo.

Medyo nangangatog na ang mga tuhod pero dahil sa hilig, muling pinagbigyan niya si babae.

Muling nakaraos ang dalawa. Nagsindi uli si lalaki ng yosi. Unang hitit pa lang niya ay

Babae: Ganti uli tayo.

Talagang lupaypay na si manoy niya pero para huwag mapahiya ay muling pinagbigyan niya ang kahilingan ng babae.

Pagkatapos kumuha siya ng yosi. Sisindihan pa lang nang biglang...

Babae: Ganti uli tayo.

Lalaki: 'DYOSKO NAMAN!!!! PATAWARIN NA LANG NATIN SILA!!!!

Mas Mahirap ang Buhay

2007-06-27T23:40:00.000-07:00

Sila Lolo at Lola ay naninirahan sa bukid. Ang tanging kinabubuhay nila ay ang pagtatanim ng mga gulay.

Minsan, kapag walang makain sila Lolo at Lola, ang tanim nilang gulay ang kanilang niluluto at kinakain, para makaraos.

May isa silang anak na lalake na nasa Maynila at medyo maganda ang buhay doon.

Isang araw, dumating ang anak nilang lalake at nakita na hirap na hirap ang mga magulang sa kanilang buhay kung kaya ang sabi ng anak, "Punta na lang po kayo ng Maynila, dun na lang muna kayo tumira." At sumama naman ang magulang nito sa maynila at doon tumira.

Medyo maayos naman ang naging buhay nila doon sa Maynila at kahit papaano ay nakakain sila ng ibang putahe, ngunit isang gabi habang naglilibot si lolo sa bakuran ng bahay ay nakita niya ang kanyang anak na lalake at ang asawa nito sa isang cottage at sa nakita niya sa kanyang anak ay naitanong sa sarili ni lolo "bakit ganito na kahirap ang buhay dito sa Maynila..."

Umalis agad si lolo at sinabihan si lola na kahit gabing gabi na

LOLO: "ALIS NA TAYO DITO BALIK NA TAYO SA BUKID"

nag tanong si lola kahit medyo papikitpikit pa:

LOLA: "BAKIT?!?!"

Lolo: "p*tang INA WALA NANG MAKAIN DITO PATI PUKE KINAKAIN NA DITO"

Nagsisisi na

2007-06-27T23:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Juan,

Pinagsisisihan ko na ang pagbasted ko sa'yo. Tinetesting ko lang pasensya mo nung sinabi kong sobrang pangit mo, wala kang kwenta at sinumpa kang nilalang. Bawat segundo ikaw nasa isip ko, kahit sa panaginip ko, andun ka pa rin. Tanggap na tanggap ka ng mga magulang ko at mahilig lang talaga silang magbiro nung hinabol ka ng itak ng tatay ko at sinabuyan ka ng ihi ng nanay ko. Di talaga ako mabubuhay nang wala ka sa akin.

Nagmamahal,

Bianca

PS Congrats pala sa pagkapanalo mo sa Lotto.

My Mind

2007-06-27T23:19:00.000-07:00

Great minds contain ideas, solutions and reasons; scientific minds contain formulas, theories and figures; my mind contains only you!

Reasons to Wake Up

2007-06-27T23:02:00.000-07:00

There are two reasons why I wake up in the morning: my alarm clock and you.

Erap & Stewardess

2007-06-27T06:43:00.000-07:00

Sa isang International airplane,

Stewardess: Sir, are you done?
Erap: No, I'm Erap.
Stewardess: I mean, are you finished sir?
Erap: No, I'm a Filipino.
Stewardess: I mean, are you through?
Erap: What do you think of me, FALSE?

for Erap: (done= Don; finished=Finnish; through=true) mwehehehehe

Galing sa Libing

2007-06-27T06:32:00.000-07:00

Pedro: Saan ka galing, p're?

Berto: Sementeryo, libing ng byenan ko.

Pedro: Bakit puro kalmot ang mukha at braso mo?

Berto: Mahirap ilibing eh, lumalaban!

Erap and his ATM

2007-06-27T05:01:00.000-07:00

Isang gabi, tumambay si Erap sa isang beerhouse. Habang umiinom siyang mag-isa at pinapanood ang isang babae na sumasayaw na walang suot ay bigla niyang napansin na lumapit ang isang Amerikano at naglagay ng P500 sa pekpek ng babae at napaisip si Erap, (ayus yun ah... ) tapos mayamaya, may lumapit namang Intsik at naglabas ng P1,000 at sabay lagay sa pekpek ng babae. Napansin ni Erap yun at naiingit. Maya-maya ay siya naman ang lumapit, naglabas ng kanyang wallet at kinuha ng kanyang ATM Card at biglang nag-swipe sa pekpek ng babae at sabay kuha ng P1,500. ($_$) Ayos!